Tuesday, 1 April 2014

How To Stand Out In A Crowded Niche

Rosebud

Save me, Jeebus. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Selma’s Choice

Me fail English? That’s unpossible. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours. This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”
  • How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
  • Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
  • “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

Marge vs. Monorail

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man? Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

Hurricane Neddy

Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
  1. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?
  2. I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.
  3. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
  4. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?
  5. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish!
Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk
I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems. I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies. Jesus must be spinning in his grave! I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.
Selma’s Choice
Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Ahoy hoy? Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity.
I hope I didn’t brain my damage. Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!”
Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”
I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.
Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do? He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do? Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk. Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.
“Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.
Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! Homer no function beer well without. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO!
We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies. Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!
I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Human contact: the final frontier. He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
Ahoy hoy? Please do not offer my god a peanut. Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.
He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true! Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish!
Me fail English? That’s unpossible. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

3 comments: