Tuesday, 1 April 2014

20 Unconventional Ways To Monetize Your Blog

Future Stock

Bender, we’re trying our best. Why would a robot need to drink? Hey, you add a one and two zeros to that or we walk!

Proposition Infinity

I could if you hadn’t turned on the light and shut off my stereo. I suppose I could part with ‘one’ and still be feared… Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets! Well, let’s just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. I meant ‘physically’. Look, perhaps you could let me work for a little food? I could clean the floors or paint a fence, or service you sexually? Belligerent and numerous.
  • File not found.
  • Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.

Insane in the Mainframe

Take me to your leader! But I’ve never been to the moon! Look, everyone wants to be like Germany, but do we really have the pure strength of ‘will’? You’ll have all the Slurm you can drink when you’re partying with Slurms McKenzie! I wish! It’s a nickel. Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems.

Anthology of Interest I

Ooh, name it after me! And then the battle’s not so bad? Yes, I saw. You were doing well, until everyone died. It’s okay, Bender. I like cooking too. Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?
  1. File not found.
  2. Okay, it’s 500 dollars, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can’t hold the charge and the reception isn’t very…
  3. Oh, I don’t have time for this. I have to go and buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it, making people wait behind me while I complain.
That Darn Katz!
Tell her you just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. I videotape every customer that comes in here, so that I may blackmail them later. Ah, computer dating. It’s like pimping, but you rarely have to use the phrase “upside your head.”
Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV
You’re going to do his laundry? Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I’m still single? It’s ’cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans! Negative, bossy meat creature! Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money! You won’t have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you’ll be doing. Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets!
File not found. There’s one way and only one way to determine if an animal is intelligent. Dissect its brain! Have you ever tried just turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?
Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that! There’s only one reasonable course of action now: kill Flexo! Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn’t you just get me the death penalty? That’s a popular name today. Little “e”, big “B”? You guys go on without me! I’m going to go… look for more stuff to steal! Ugh, it’s filthy! Why not create a National Endowment for Strip Clubs while we’re at it?
I never loved you. You’re going to do his laundry? Why would a robot need to drink? Oh God, what have I done? You can see how I lived before I met you.
Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools. Throw her in the brig. Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn’t I break his legs? Professor, make a woman out of me. Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.
Oh no! The professor will hit me! But if Zoidberg ‘fixes’ it… then perhaps gifts! Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun? Why not indeed! Tell them I hate them. Guess again. Well, thanks to the Internet, I’m now bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence?
I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself. All I want is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit… that’s why I’m transferring to business school! Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.
You don’t know how to do any of those. In your time, yes, but nowadays shut up! Besides, these are adult stemcells, harvested from perfectly healthy adults whom I killed for their stemcells. For example, if you killed your grandfather, you’d cease to exist! Tell them I hate them. It’s toe-tappingly tragic!
Alright, let’s mafia things up a bit. Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew. Nay, I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar. Yeah, lots of people did.
Daddy Bender, we’re hungry. As an interesting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead. Meh. One hundred dollars. Kids have names? I was all of history’s great robot actors – Acting Unit 0.8; Thespomat; David Duchovny!
Fry! Quit doing the right thing, you jerk! Who are you, my warranty?! With gusto. Take me to your leader!
Oh, all right, I am. But if anything happens to me, tell them I died robbing some old man. Okay, it’s 500 dollars, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can’t hold the charge and the reception isn’t very… When will that be? Your best is an idiot!
Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as “the brig”. Anyhoo, your net-suits will allow you to experience Fry’s worm infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. It’s toe-tappingly tragic!
A true inspiration for the children. It’s a T. It goes “tuh”. Your best is an idiot! Man, I’m sore all over. I feel like I just went ten rounds with mighty Thor. I love you, buddy!
For one beautiful night I knew what it was like to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored. Who’s brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a death sphere? Noooooo! Well I’da done better, but it’s plum hard pleading a case while awaiting trial for that there incompetence. Anyone who laughs is a communist!
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A Leela of Her Own

Negative, bossy meat creature! Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that! There’s only one reasonable course of action now: kill Flexo! Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets! Yeah, lots of people did. File not found.

That Darn Katz!

You’re going to do his laundry? With gusto. Anyone who laughs is a communist! Tell them I hate them. But I’ve never been to the moon! There’s one way and only one way to determine if an animal is intelligent. Dissect its brain!
  • In your time, yes, but nowadays shut up! Besides, these are adult stemcells, harvested from perfectly healthy adults whom I killed for their stemcells.
  • I wish! It’s a nickel.

Insane in the Mainframe

Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun? Oh, I don’t have time for this. I have to go and buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it, making people wait behind me while I complain. You don’t know how to do any of those.

Love’s Labors Lost in Space

Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as “the brig”. When will that be? Belligerent and numerous. Take me to your leader! And then the battle’s not so bad? I never loved you.
  1. When will that be?
  2. Daddy Bender, we’re hungry.
  3. Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!
  4. Negative, bossy meat creature!
  5. File not found.
Jurassic Bark
Ah, computer dating. It’s like pimping, but you rarely have to use the phrase “upside your head.” You won’t have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you’ll be doing. For example, if you killed your grandfather, you’d cease to exist! Look, everyone wants to be like Germany, but do we really have the pure strength of ‘will’?
Anthology of Interest I
Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun? Have you ever tried just turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them? Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn’t you just get me the death penalty? Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems. It’s toe-tappingly tragic!
You can see how I lived before I met you. That’s a popular name today. Little “e”, big “B”? Guess again. Why would a robot need to drink? Oh God, what have I done?
Take me to your leader! For one beautiful night I knew what it was like to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored. Oh, all right, I am. But if anything happens to me, tell them I died robbing some old man. I suppose I could part with ‘one’ and still be feared… Fry! Quit doing the right thing, you jerk! Alright, let’s mafia things up a bit. Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew.
I love you, buddy! I could if you hadn’t turned on the light and shut off my stereo. No argument here. I was all of history’s great robot actors – Acting Unit 0.8; Thespomat; David Duchovny! Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets! Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I’m still single? It’s ’cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!
Meh. It’s toe-tappingly tragic! Who are you, my warranty?! Noooooo! Morbo can’t understand his teleprompter because he forgot how you say that letter that’s shaped like a man wearing a hat.
Oh no! The professor will hit me! But if Zoidberg ‘fixes’ it… then perhaps gifts! Dear God, they’ll be killed on our doorstep! And there’s no trash pickup until January 3rd. I meant ‘physically’. Look, perhaps you could let me work for a little food? I could clean the floors or paint a fence, or service you sexually?
A true inspiration for the children. Professor, make a woman out of me. Um, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets? Well I’da done better, but it’s plum hard pleading a case while awaiting trial for that there incompetence. Isn’t it true that you have been paid for your testimony? You are the last hope of the universe.
Your best is an idiot! Tell them I hate them. You guys go on without me! I’m going to go… look for more stuff to steal! It’s okay, Bender. I like cooking too. Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money! Man, I’m sore all over. I feel like I just went ten rounds with mighty Thor.
Yes, I saw. You were doing well, until everyone died. Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn’t I break his legs? I wish! It’s a nickel.
Daddy Bender, we’re hungry. Nay, I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar. Why not indeed!
It’s a T. It goes “tuh”. Tell her you just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. Hey, you add a one and two zeros to that or we walk! Who’s brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a death sphere?
Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy. Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. Kids have names?
All I want is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit… that’s why I’m transferring to business school! Your best is an idiot! Well, let’s just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools.
Bender, we’re trying our best. In your time, yes, but nowadays shut up! Besides, these are adult stemcells, harvested from perfectly healthy adults whom I killed for their stemcells. I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself. Well, thanks to the Internet, I’m now bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence?
Okay, it’s 500 dollars, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can’t hold the charge and the reception isn’t very… You’re going to do his laundry? As an interesting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead. You’ll have all the Slurm you can drink when you’re partying with Slurms McKenzie! Anyhoo, your net-suits will allow you to experience Fry’s worm infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them.
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The Late Philip J. Fry

Well I’da done better, but it’s plum hard pleading a case while awaiting trial for that there incompetence. Isn’t it true that you have been paid for your testimony? It’s a T. It goes “tuh”.

Amazon Women in the Mood

Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems. Meh. It’s toe-tappingly tragic! Professor, make a woman out of me.
  • I could if you hadn’t turned on the light and shut off my stereo.
  • Kids have names?
  • Why would a robot need to drink?

Anthology of Interest II

Tell them I hate them. I could if you hadn’t turned on the light and shut off my stereo. Your best is an idiot! Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?

Love’s Labors Lost in Space

Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn’t I break his legs? Take me to your leader! No argument here. Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn’t you just get me the death penalty? I was all of history’s great robot actors – Acting Unit 0.8; Thespomat; David Duchovny!
  1. You can see how I lived before I met you.
  2. File not found.
  3. Morbo can’t understand his teleprompter because he forgot how you say that letter that’s shaped like a man wearing a hat.
  4. You’ll have all the Slurm you can drink when you’re partying with Slurms McKenzie!
The Duh-Vinci Code
Anyhoo, your net-suits will allow you to experience Fry’s worm infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. Tell them I hate them. You’re going to do his laundry? You can see how I lived before I met you.
A Taste of Freedom
Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy. I suppose I could part with ‘one’ and still be feared… Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as “the brig”. Guess again. Fry! Quit doing the right thing, you jerk!
You’re going to do his laundry? Dear God, they’ll be killed on our doorstep! And there’s no trash pickup until January 3rd. Look, everyone wants to be like Germany, but do we really have the pure strength of ‘will’? Noooooo! I meant ‘physically’. Look, perhaps you could let me work for a little food? I could clean the floors or paint a fence, or service you sexually?
Oh no! The professor will hit me! But if Zoidberg ‘fixes’ it… then perhaps gifts! Switzerland is small and neutral! We are more like Germany, ambitious and misunderstood! Alright, let’s mafia things up a bit. Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew. Daddy Bender, we’re hungry. Oh God, what have I done?
Who are you, my warranty?! Ooh, name it after me! I wish! It’s a nickel. I videotape every customer that comes in here, so that I may blackmail them later. Bender, we’re trying our best. Morbo can’t understand his teleprompter because he forgot how you say that letter that’s shaped like a man wearing a hat.
Negative, bossy meat creature! Why not indeed! Throw her in the brig. Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. Yes, I saw. You were doing well, until everyone died.
Your best is an idiot! Yeah, lots of people did. For one beautiful night I knew what it was like to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored.
Well, let’s just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. That’s a popular name today. Little “e”, big “B”? You are the last hope of the universe. Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets! Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun? Kids have names?
I love you, buddy! Nay, I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar. All I want is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit… that’s why I’m transferring to business school! For example, if you killed your grandfather, you’d cease to exist!
One hundred dollars. You won’t have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you’ll be doing. Oh, all right, I am. But if anything happens to me, tell them I died robbing some old man.
File not found. Who’s brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a death sphere? And then the battle’s not so bad? In your time, yes, but nowadays shut up! Besides, these are adult stemcells, harvested from perfectly healthy adults whom I killed for their stemcells. Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. You’ll have all the Slurm you can drink when you’re partying with Slurms McKenzie!
Have you ever tried just turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them? As an interesting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead. Ah, computer dating. It’s like pimping, but you rarely have to use the phrase “upside your head.” Why would a robot need to drink? You don’t know how to do any of those. Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets!
Well, thanks to the Internet, I’m now bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence? Man, I’m sore all over. I feel like I just went ten rounds with mighty Thor. I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself.
It’s toe-tappingly tragic! There’s one way and only one way to determine if an animal is intelligent. Dissect its brain! Belligerent and numerous. I never loved you.
Why would a robot need to drink? Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money! Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that! There’s only one reasonable course of action now: kill Flexo! Tell her you just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. Okay, it’s 500 dollars, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can’t hold the charge and the reception isn’t very…
When will that be? With gusto. You guys go on without me! I’m going to go… look for more stuff to steal! Hey, you add a one and two zeros to that or we walk! Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools. Oh, I don’t have time for this. I have to go and buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it, making people wait behind me while I complain.
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But I’ve never been to the moon! Take me to your leader! I wish! It’s a nickel. Isn’t it true that you have been paid for your testimony? Yeah, lots of people did. You’ll have all the Slurm you can drink when you’re partying with Slurms McKenzie!

Future Stock

Tell them I hate them. Well, thanks to the Internet, I’m now bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence? No argument here.
  • As an interesting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead.
  • When will that be?
  • Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as “the brig”.

Mother’s Day

Kids have names? Who are you, my warranty?! Why would a robot need to drink? File not found. Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.

The Sting

And then the battle’s not so bad? I love you, buddy! Okay, it’s 500 dollars, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can’t hold the charge and the reception isn’t very… For example, if you killed your grandfather, you’d cease to exist!
  1. Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I’m still single? It’s ’cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!
  2. Um, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets?
Less Than Hero
Have you ever tried just turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them? Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that! There’s only one reasonable course of action now: kill Flexo! I never loved you. Tell them I hate them. A true inspiration for the children.
A Head in the Polls
Well I’da done better, but it’s plum hard pleading a case while awaiting trial for that there incompetence. Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets! You are the last hope of the universe. I could if you hadn’t turned on the light and shut off my stereo.
It’s a T. It goes “tuh”. You’re going to do his laundry? Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn’t I break his legs?
Daddy Bender, we’re hungry. I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself. Who’s brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a death sphere? Oh, all right, I am. But if anything happens to me, tell them I died robbing some old man. Ooh, name it after me!
It’s okay, Bender. I like cooking too. Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun? Ugh, it’s filthy! Why not create a National Endowment for Strip Clubs while we’re at it? Bender, we’re trying our best. Dear God, they’ll be killed on our doorstep! And there’s no trash pickup until January 3rd. You won’t have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you’ll be doing.
You guys go on without me! I’m going to go… look for more stuff to steal! Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. I videotape every customer that comes in here, so that I may blackmail them later. Negative, bossy meat creature! Anyhoo, your net-suits will allow you to experience Fry’s worm infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. Why not indeed!
Morbo can’t understand his teleprompter because he forgot how you say that letter that’s shaped like a man wearing a hat. Why would a robot need to drink? Belligerent and numerous. As an interesting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead. Man, I’m sore all over. I feel like I just went ten rounds with mighty Thor. All I want is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit… that’s why I’m transferring to business school!
Alright, let’s mafia things up a bit. Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew. Throw her in the brig. Look, everyone wants to be like Germany, but do we really have the pure strength of ‘will’? Um, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets?
One hundred dollars. Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as “the brig”. There’s one way and only one way to determine if an animal is intelligent. Dissect its brain!
Fry! Quit doing the right thing, you jerk! Hey, you add a one and two zeros to that or we walk! Guess again. In your time, yes, but nowadays shut up! Besides, these are adult stemcells, harvested from perfectly healthy adults whom I killed for their stemcells. You don’t know how to do any of those.
Ah, computer dating. It’s like pimping, but you rarely have to use the phrase “upside your head.” Oh God, what have I done? Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems.
Take me to your leader! Nay, I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar. I was all of history’s great robot actors – Acting Unit 0.8; Thespomat; David Duchovny!
For one beautiful night I knew what it was like to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored. Anyone who laughs is a communist! Oh no! The professor will hit me! But if Zoidberg ‘fixes’ it… then perhaps gifts! Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I’m still single? It’s ’cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans! Your best is an idiot!
With gusto. Professor, make a woman out of me. When will that be? Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy. It’s toe-tappingly tragic! Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools.
Switzerland is small and neutral! We are more like Germany, ambitious and misunderstood! It’s toe-tappingly tragic! Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets! I meant ‘physically’. Look, perhaps you could let me work for a little food? I could clean the floors or paint a fence, or service you sexually? Oh, I don’t have time for this. I have to go and buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it, making people wait behind me while I complain. Your best is an idiot!
Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn’t you just get me the death penalty? That’s a popular name today. Little “e”, big “B”? Tell her you just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating.
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Rosebud

Save me, Jeebus. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Selma’s Choice

Me fail English? That’s unpossible. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours. This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”
  • How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
  • Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
  • “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

Marge vs. Monorail

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man? Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

Hurricane Neddy

Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
  1. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?
  2. I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.
  3. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
  4. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?
  5. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish!
Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk
I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems. I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies. Jesus must be spinning in his grave! I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.
Selma’s Choice
Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Ahoy hoy? Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity.
I hope I didn’t brain my damage. Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!”
Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”
I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.
Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do? He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do? Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk. Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.
“Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.
Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! Homer no function beer well without. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO!
We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies. Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!
I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Human contact: the final frontier. He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
Ahoy hoy? Please do not offer my god a peanut. Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.
He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true! Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish!
Me fail English? That’s unpossible. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
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I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

A Streetcar Named Marge

Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
  • How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
  • Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
  • Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

Bart the Daredevil

Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk. Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that’s a *really* useful invention! Me fail English? That’s unpossible. Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico?

The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. D’oh. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
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Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… You don’t win friends with salad. I was saying “Boo-urns.” Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

Hurricane Neddy

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!
  • Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.
  • Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!

The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show

Inflammable means flammable? What a country. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

Rosebud

I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman. Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.
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